Speaking Up & Uncomfortable Conversations // with Rayna Rose Exelbierd

Carmelita Tiu:
00:00:04

Welcome to know them. Be them, raise them a show to help busy, mindful growth oriented moms stay informed and inspired, especially as they're navigating their daughters tween and teen years. I'm Carmelita too, an unapologetic multihyphenate. I'm a mom of two girls, a wife, a certified life coach focusing on holistic personal development for multi-passionate impact driven women. Also an attorney for creatives and a podcast host.

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00:00:33

I love having conversations about how we can live and parent, and relate to one another with intention, not just by sharing ideas, but also by sharing actionable advice on how to move forward. Today's episode centers on communication, conversations, What we choose to say or not to say, and what impact and ripple effect that might have on our lives and our relationships. Here's the conversation.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:01:04

My guest today is Rayna Rose Exelbierd and. I'm just so excited to have her here. Without further ado, I would love Rayna for you to tell us a little about yourself.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:01:17

Hi Cat. Thank you so much for having me on the pod. I am so excited to know them, be them, and most importantly, raise them. Um, I am the youngest in my family. I have three older brothers. Rayna means queen in Spanish and certainly, through life experiences, I've seen that my name, has really manifested as I get older and grow into that confident woman. I'm a motivational speaker. I am an author. I'm a connector. And most importantly, I believe in kindness. I think that kindness and connection are the most beautiful gifts you can give anyone. And from there you can really do anything, and make anything happen.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:02:03

Mm mm I, also am a huge fan of promoting this idea of kindness, even if that may mean. Kind of having to take your stand for something or maybe putting yourself in an uncomfortable position, right? Because I think especially for women and girls, this idea of NICE is perpetuated, whether consciously or not. So I know some of your work and what you've talked about in the past relates to this idea of uncomfortable conversations. Can you tell us a little more about how you approach them and what you encourage your teens and others to do when you speak?

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:02:43

Totally. So first and foremost, my career started because as the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors as a Jewish girl from Memphis, Tennessee, I was really surprised to experience antisemitism for the very first time when I started going to college in Boca Raton, which is a city that is primarily Jewish, for those listening. And it really challenged my idea of my identity because at first I knew what people were saying weren't true, but I really didn't have like the information, or the knowledge to be able to support what I was saying outside of my life experiences. And at first, when I was going through the anti-Semitism, you know, my response was like, Crying, raising my voice, telling people that they were wrong. And not only did that not lead to another conversation, but most importantly, the people who were watching me have these discussions with some of these bullies on my campus. From the outside, they didn't know what either one of us were thinking. They saw one person calm, they saw me freaking out. So one of the first things I learned when it comes to facing uncomfortable conversation is you really have to be calm. Sometimes that means if you're feeling more, sad or or angry in that moment maybe writing down your feelings and having the actual conversation later. I also learned this at my old job. You know, sometimes things come up and we get really tense and we don't know what the other person is, is thinking or doing on the other side of the laptop, you know, on the other side of the screen. It's really easy sometimes for us to send that snarky email back before even realizing like, you are having a bad day. So you responded from the place of being angry, whereas the other person is, they have no idea. You know, the best way that I can connect that is when people get really upset, when someone cuts 'em off in traffic and they're still talking about it and they're still screaming about it. The person forgot about you. Like as soon as they cut you off, like literally you didn't exist anymore,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:05:07

Right. They may not even have known they cut you off.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:05:10

Exactly. So I think number one, making sure that you're calm and number two, making sure to respond at a time where like you have a lot more clarity emotionally and I'll tell you, in business, sometimes I get so excited when people wanna hire me to speak, that when I respond right away, I'm actually like underselling myself. Whereas sometimes if I had taken that time to wait, think about it, do a little bit of research, you know, the value for, for what I'm able to provide can, be much stronger. And the other big thing too that I want to touch on with uncomfortable conversation is, you know, when I have different life experiences with Uber drivers or strangers at the grocery store, I always like to write up these different things that I learn and lessons that have come up for me. And, during Covid I found myself sharing a lot of these stories into different Facebook groups that I participate in. The biggest thing that I love about when I share these stories is people share different perspectives, tips and tricks that work for them, and it really promotes engagement. One of the things that I had mentioned to you was in all the posts that I've ever created, there were two posts that I made that seemed to cause a lot of drama, and really brought up this conversation of what do we tell our children? How do we tell our children? And what should we be telling our children? And the, two topics were. On, one post, I was mentoring students online, helping students build confidence through leadership, communication training, helping them apply their skills and gifts towards different projects. And, I'd actually been participating in a mastermind leading up to that call. We had this speaker in the Mastermind and one of the things he was talking about was how important it is when you're listening. Add a couple seconds to like your pause. count to 10 before you, you start speaking. And so I went into this mentorship session with a teenager and we were talking, and I was really being intentional about this idea of listening more. Right? Because the other thing too, from a psychological standpoint, If you want people to hear what you have to say, you have to really listen to people first in order for them to give you that same respect back. And I remember I was meeting with this teenager, we'd been on the call for an hour and there's one minute left in the call and she just like casually disclosed that, Someone in her family, had said something inappropriate to her and had brought up this idea that they could be sexual together if she wanted to experiment. And this was an adult who said this to a teenager. And in that moment, I said, first I said, you know, am I the first person that you're, you're telling this to? And she said, yes. So then I paused. And, you know, I started to explain to her that, this is illegal and that, you know, I would never violate your trust, but this is something that your mom has to know. Like, are you gonna tell your mom? Am I gonna tell your mom? And we really talked through it. And as we talk about like this, you know, this idea of approaching, uncomfortable conversations, one. truly believe if I wasn't focused on being a more intentional listener that day, I don't think she would have shared that. And number two, my first response, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but my first response when this happened, after I started talking to some people in my network, I said, oh, you know, I've worked in the Jewish world for so long. I just, you know, It's the first time I've been around it. And one of my friends pointed out to me, no Rayna, this isn't the first time that you've been around it. Because this is an issue that affects people of all backgrounds. This is the first time that you have been around a child who felt comfortable,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:09:17

Mm

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:09:17

share that with you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:09:18

mm.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:09:19

And in that moment, that's when I realized like, I have mentored thousands of kids. I've been in hundreds of schools. And you're right. So you know, I made this post in some of these bond groups I'm in of, hey, like, You know, these are some signs that you can look for. This is the experience that happened to me and this is a conversation you should be having, with your children. And the amount of negative feedback that I got from parents on, you know, how dare you bring this up. I got messages from moderators about we had to take the post down because it was upsetting parents and. I mentioned that issue because again, we know that this is something that's happening in the world, and this idea of if we don't talk about it or if we don't tell our daughters about it, then we're protecting them. We're actually doing them a disservice because if we don't prepare our children to be able to speak up about these things and we don't ask them about these things, cuz we think like, okay, I'm not gonna mention it to my child, but if God forbid they experience this, then I know that they're gonna come and they're gonna tell me about it. And, and the truth is, you can't expect a young person to just tell you something because it was a challenge for them or it meant something for them. It's really up to us to ask good questions, meaningful questions, and to really listen and be patient so that they can take the conversation where they want it to go.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:10:55

100%. as you were speaking, I was reminded of a scenario with my own daughter where, I didn't think to ask a very direct question, I would ask questions about her day, on a scale of one to 10, what's your mood? things like that. and thankfully that's laid the groundwork for many open conversations, but it wasn't until, she had already experienced something that in retrospect, wish I had. She had approached me about sooner, and she. made me realize that what would help us both, and we talked about it after she shared her experience, was like for me to ask a more specific question. Because to your point, unless we've already normalized that depth, that type of questioning, it's not something that we can expect kids to bring forward on their own.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:11:49

And think back to when you were a kid, like for those who are listening like moms, we've all had that moment where as a young adult, you went through something, you hid it from your parents, and then eventually when they did find out, you were like, oh my God, you weren't mad that X, Y, Z happened. You weren't mad that I did blah, blah, blah. And I think sometimes as young people, we forget that our parents are on our side, but there's this fear of, you know, I'm gonna be rejected, I'm gonna get in trouble, I'm gonna be judged, I'm gonna be, you know, I'm gonna be looked at differently because of X, Y, Z. When in reality we've all been 13, 14, 15, once.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:12:32

Yeah. Getting in front of those conversations, I'm reminded of, a previous guest I had on you know, sexual assault for instance, is very uncomfortable for so many people to talk about. But, if we don't say, you are not at fault.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:12:50

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:12:50

them and making it clear that that's your belief and that's your stance, and that's the truth. That they can walk into a situation or be a victim and then not feel comfortable coming forward because no one's ever told them, they've never heard that dialogue. I love that you're reminding and, and really informing people about this need to have uncomfortable conversations and get in front of them. It's just like you said, it is, I think your words were that it, we're doing them a disservice if we don't

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:13:18

a hundred percent. And what you said about the specific questions, it reminds me, you know, when I worked in the nonprofit world and I'd go into these events and I'd speak to all these parents and grandparents, I would be in a room of like a hundred, 200 people and I would say like, who's here? Like who here? Like has kids, your grandchildren who experience antisemitism? And you know, sometimes like none of them would raise their hand. And then I would then say to them, okay, now raise your hand if you have actually asked your child, your child or grandchild, have you experienced antisemitism? And usually only like two or three, like less than a dozen hands would go up. Because again, it goes back to this idea of you know, we know that this is bad and if our young person experiences something bad, then they're just gonna tell us.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:14:06

Mm-hmm. I think kind of related to that, as parents, we might wanna believe that it's not gonna happen. And so on some level, we kind of don't wanna introduce an idea that might, ruin their child's experience of the world and introduce this idea that feels negative and dark and gross.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:14:25

I'll tell you another place where that showed up. This idea of, you know, like we don't want our children to know, about the world and, and the darkness is, the only other post I've ever put up that like got so much controversy was the day after the school shooting happened in Texas, a friend of mine who's a single mom, she's out of the country, she asked me to drive her son to school. And as I'm driving her seven year old school, we're talking about what happened in Texas and we're talking about, what to do if a shooter comes to the school cuz they do have these active shooter drills and we're talking about, you know, how lucky he is to be at a safe school and that there's security, you know, and after I dropped him off, I've had this feeling of just like, is this what every parent is feeling when they drop their children off now at school with, you know, all of these shootings now being in the news. So I wrote this post about what had happened and how I had talked to my friend's son about it. And to go back to your point of some parents believe that sheltering our children is going to give them a more beautiful childhood. The amount of parents who started yelling at me about how dare you speak to somebody else's child, I refused to tell my children about the school shootings and, you know, some of them, some of the comments even got very hateful. But going back to this idea of. No matter how old these kids are, if they're in school, they are having shooter drills and then to some degree their classmates are talking about it, their teachers are talking about it, and if we want our children to trust us, as the adult that he look up, looks up to? Like, for me, it made me feel like if I were to just drop him off and not talk about anything that happened, That he would have a weakened confidence in me. Like, how come, how, how come Rayna didn't tell me about this morning? How come I didn't? Why am I just now knowing this? And, and that's a, that's a worse feeling than, you know, we've all in our lives, been in a situation where we've heard something from someone else before it came from someone that we loved. No matter how difficult the news was, it almost stings more when we heard it from somebody else, how did you wait to tell me?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:16:53

Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I mean, it may even sound simplistic, but even Santa Claus, like I've heard of so many parents grappling with the fact that their kid finds out from another kid at school about Santa Claus. And you know, and yeah, there's a violation of trust there. I think it's, in one of our earlier conversations, you had used the phrase, the cost of silence. And I think all parents really need to think about when we don't speak, we intentionally don't speak about something.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:17:23

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:17:24

What, at what cost it has the potential to weaken that sense of safety and trust between you and your child or you and the children in your life. yeah, absolutely.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:17:35

And I'll tell you too, like, not even just with tough topics, you know, I love my mom and dad, like, any relationship, you have some really great things and you know, you also have like some challenges. I remember like when I was younger, something happened and I said to my dad, like, dad, don't you remember? And like my dad got really mad at me, he screamed at me and I never forgot it. Cuz especially if he never gets mad and it's one of the few times he got mad, like I remember it. I just was like so angry at him, like, he's so mean, da da, da da, da. And I lost my dad a couple years ago, but on this last trip where I was with my family in Ecuador, my oldest brother, Donnie, we were talking about something and he starts laughing and he goes, I don't know if you remember the time, but you said something to dad about, like, do you remember? And he screamed at you. He goes, dad told me about it and he felt so bad that he did that. And I'm laughing now with tears as I'm telling you the story. It wasn't so funny when I was 10 years old or, or however it was. But it's interesting because I wish my dad at some point had come back to me and said like, Rayna rose, I'm sorry, I lost my temper yesterday. Like, you know what I mean? To hear that from my brother, it was kind of like this reminder of like, holy shit, like my dad was an amazing guy. Like I love him, but I always was holding onto the resentment from that one conversation only to learn, you know, 20 years later, my dad felt bad about it too. Like we were both, we both felt bad about the conversation, but we didn't, you know, ever reconnect. So something that I didn't do with, with my parents, something I got from, a woman named Dara Kurtz, she does it, she did it with her daughter. She wrote a book about it, is this idea of keeping a journal with your kids. Sometimes it's really easy to remember, the arguments. It's not always so easy to remember, you know, the positive things and this idea that, if there are things that you can write in the journal like, Hey, I'm really sorry about what happened the other day. Like it just came up for me. Cuz also as parents, were moving on to the next thing. You know, my dad could have very well thought, Okay, I'm gonna bring this up to her only for like a million other things to come up and it, and it to be, just organically shifted out of the priority list.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:20:11

Yeah, I love that idea. If we leave it to chance or, and only verbal conversations, those windows of opportunity can be rare and infrequent. And who knows if the, if we'll remember. So having another mechanism to communicate those thoughts and ideas to your kids that can be there for when they're able to access it or whenever they want to. Uh, makes so much sense.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:20:33

Like I know you said you have two, two daughters and it's, you know, reminding them like, you did so beautiful yesterday. Or like, watching you tutor your friend, you know, and them getting an a on on their test was amazing. Or, I love that you cleaned up the table last night. You know, these little things that like, we think about. a compliment. I mean, not just with a child. A compliment goes a long way. with anyone. But we live in a world where we're, and again, I'm, I know we're talking about teens, but these issues are really relevant to, to everyone, and we live in the society where we're, we're constantly being judged. We're constantly comparing ourselves. So the more that we can, you know, use tough conversation, not only to to make our kids stronger, but also reinforce how strong they already are. It goes, it goes such a long way. You know, I went to a woman's conference where one of the segments was turn to the woman next to you and talk how you speak to yourself in the mirror and hearing some of the terrible things that these women said to themselves about how dumb you are and how could you even try like, Don't get me wrong, I'm not always like super nice to myself, but I had to call my mom afterwards and, and thank her because I realized, like my mom telling me my whole life, be for Rayna, be independent. Like, I used to think it was kind of annoying, but then when I was in an arena with 4,000 women and, and I heard some of the terrible things that they tell themselves every day. I had to thank my mom for giving me that gift, and I echo that to the moms who are listening that, you know, even if you feel like you're, you're a broken record, like my mom telling me, every day be for Rayna.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:22:23

Hmm.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:22:24

As I grow older and I go through different challenges, it takes on new meanings, but it's a mantra that has really, really, really served me well.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:22:34

Hmm. Thank you. That is actually, I was going to ask as we kind of drew to a close for a favorite quote or a favorite, you know, affirmation. and you're welcome to share one, but that actually resonated with me on a really deep level.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd:
00:22:50

I love that. Yeah. be for, Rayna. And an another one is, don't dimmer your shimmer. There's gonna be people who, are not your people. And when you focus on people who aren't your people, it brings you down, it makes you less creative. just realize that sometimes what people are bringing you down for. Most of the time, 99.99999% of the people in your life love you for those reasons. And so don't change because ultimately if what you believe in is true to you. Everything in your life will align and eventually the people you know who truly love you, they'll support you. And most importantly, the people who were there from the beginning, you'll know that those people were your true support system, whether they were your family members or not.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
00:23:45

Oh, I love that, Rayna. thank you so much. Such a pleasure having you. When Reyna shared how she heard "Be for Rayna" all the time. What I heard was a constant push for her to love and prioritize herself, which just sounds so amazing. It's a simple daily reminder that she shouldn't put herself down. She should lift herself up, that she's worth fighting for. And that her voice matters. I definitely want to say things like that to my daughters. I praise them. I support them. I encourage them. And this reminded me that I also want them to be able to do that for themselves. So good. In any event, here are my top five takeaways from this episode. Number one. When facing uncomfortable conversations, it's important to remain calm. Responding in anger or frustration may not lead to productive discussions. It's okay, and a good thing to hit. Pause, process your emotions, and respond at a time when you can have a more constructive conversation. Number two. Listen, if you want people to hear what you have to say, you have to listen to them. Well, you have to make space for others to speak. If you want them to give you that same respect back. And this applies to our kids too. Number three. Asking specific questions is essential for creating open lines of communication. Instead of asking vague questions about our kids or how someone is, delve deeper by asking about experiences favorite highlights or any challenges? They might've faced during the day. Number four. Sheltering children from challenging topics. Does them a disservice. It's important to introduce age appropriate discussions about issues like sexual assault or violence so that kids feel comfortable coming forward if they encounter those kinds of situations. Think of it this way. If you don't say something on the topic, there's a good chance. They will assume you can't or don't want to discuss it. And that may keep them from sharing things that you absolutely want and need to know. Number five. In thinking about saying the hard things, remember to say and capture the good things too. Compliment your kids. Praise them for their strengths and how they navigate struggles. And remind them to be for themselves. By instilling the sense of self-worth we're giving our kids a vital tool that will help them navigate life's challenges confidently. To learn more about Reyna and all of the work that she does. You can follow her on Instagram at the rose grows dot T R G. She's also the rose grows on all social media platforms. You can find her on LinkedIn, Raina, rose XL, veered. And she has the rose grows podcast. Rayna also recently released her second book, the girl who wore two different shoes. So if you Google that I'm sure you'll find more information about her. You can also find all of these links in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. I know you make choices in what you choose to bring into your life and being busy and mindful myself. I don't take those decisions lightly. So it means a lot. I appreciate you. And I'm celebrating you for showing up and incorporating these tools and findings in your own lives. If you haven't already do follow or subscribe to the podcast, leave a rating and follow at no be raised them on Instagram. Thank you again for listening. And here's to strong women. May we know them? May we be them? And may we raise them?